Personal Thoughts

Boy I Am So Tired

In lieu of the usual attempts at philosophising or however that's spelled you see around here, this time I'm just admitting it seems impossible to not be tired lately. Adulthood showing its true colors, I am on the verge of incorporating coffee into my routine even though I've always wanted to avoid that dependency. Hell I might try to exercise, and I am WAY too lazy to be doing that. This is not the kind of constant issue that makes life not worth living, but it's an incovenience innit. Let's hope I manage to work on this

A Tidbit On Growth

A big part of my journey of personal growth has been grappling with whether or not I am the young genius so many people acted like I was as I was growing up, or even whether the other end is true and I'm the unpleasant weirdo I felt myself being perceived as on other occasions. Maturing to me however has meant realizing even if one of the two was true, no one would care. I'm not that important. I'm not the main character of life. I'm not being marketed, and therefore I don't have to fit an ideal. I'm thinking about this because I was slowly building a thinkpiece in my head about society and its relationship with ideas and at some point I paused and went "hold up, my thoughts are not that important". Feels freeing you know. I know I keep a whole website on the internet equivalent of the middle of nowhere to say what I think of stuff, but that's just to ramble about barely coherent thoughts that sprout fully formed. I'm not influential, my ideas change the mind of no one, and unless I'm just having fun with myself I'm better off shutting up and eating my food. Naturally I have not mastered that. I am on social media and living in the age of information can make it hard to mind your own business. I'm improving though. Hope more and more as time goes by I learn to either invest my energy productively or "waste" my energy on me and not an indifferent world. Cheers to putting your peace of mind first

The Human Experience Cocktail

As I made my way home today after a day and night out with a ton of friends of mine who didn't know each other featuring a drink or two followed by a night of therapizing over stuff and a morning sunbathing and on my way home I found myself doing faces at a baby who seemed absolutely fascinated by both me and then stop button in the bus while Charli XCX blasted on my earbuds. The diversity of the human experience is fascinating, all the more when two wildly different experiences cross each other peacefully. There's a lot of beauty in the ways of life and I'm glad I get to partake in it

Imperfect Maturity

The thing with aging when you've been taught well is that there will be certain things you're aware of but don't really know in your bones. For example, I've known for a long time adults don't have it all figured out, but understading the extent to which you won't have a perfect grip on things as the future starts arriving is very difficult. I'm not lost or desperate, but I am facing new things and being confronted with my own limitations all the time. The scale of the learning process can make it rather daunting, and it takes a while to feel like you're on your feet again. Really you aren't ever on your feet are you? You just slowly get a grip on one set of issues as a new one strolls in. That said let me make it clear, I love gradually getting a grip on existing problems. Maturing, though difficult, is nice. My relationship with myself is the only one that always has and always will be there, so I cherish the time I get to work on it and the results that gradually show. What to do except keep going even when you're scared. At least I know I got me in the end

Love and Time

As we only exist in one moment at a time, we can only fall in love with the way things are in the moment. In order to drag true, lasting love out of that one needs to be ready to fall in love constantly as things change, because we're human and change constantly. It's an obvious thing and you kinda know you'll have to face it in life, but when you're as young as I am you get kinda caught off guard by how quickly life will demand you understand and accept that. Your family, your relationships, hell your hobbies, everything your love points to will change and you gotta be mature enough to love the new version because life won't keep throwing new loves at you constantly and if you don't learn to cherish you'll be left with nothing. I hope I can remember that when I struggle to cope with the changes life throws at me

Choosing happiness

I know sadness, grief, depression, mental illness and the whole shebang aren't choices nor things to repress, that's obvious. On the flip side of things though I often catch myself failing to acknowledge things that should make me very happy and underappreciating my personal victories. I could once again pout about it since negativity and nitpicking comes naturally for me while cherishing good moments has to be a choice, oh woe is me. That's just counterproductive though. Whatever energy I can spend on happiness and positivity without reaching a point where I'm harming myself through supression I should. There's a lot of things about life in general that can be enjoyed after all, and I myself have plenty going for me despite what I may let off on occasion, so cheers to happiness and the many ways life has given me to find it

Midsummer Dusk

Like any dad worth their salt mine will complain if he sees you sitting around in a poorly lit room, and in this time of year I couldn't disagree more. I love the drawn out dusk of the summer, when colours are mute and light is dim. It feels like the world is letting out a deep, melancholic sigh, and when I pay attention to it I feel as though I'm invited to calm down with it. Beautiful. One of my favorite things

I fucking love flavor

The existence of flavourful things makes life itself worth living shoutout to onion and garlic and butter and cheese and hot sauce and red sauce and lemon and alcohol and olive oil and salt and sugar and black pepper sour cream and cinnamon and cocoa powder and chocolate and so many other things that make my mouth so happy :D

This post is brought to you by the nachos with garlic butter I just had

"Normal" can feel so weird

At some point this year I was doing as well as I was capable of and ever since I fell off from that there's always this feeling inside me that I'm supposed to get back to that when really there's no reason why I should see that as the norm but the wishful thinker inside me really wants that to be my natural state. I suppose it could be but I have been getting hit by unusual stuff for so long that what I find, well, not normal but let's say, commonn, has been widely off with what in my head should be it. I really don't know if I'll ever-- actually let me pause the youthful drama, eventually things will feel "normal" again even if by then normal will mean something different. Question is when that'll be, and also how many things are still going to happen that cause that to be postponed. Wie weet. All I can do is go back to trying

It's over

I did my last high school exam today. Assuming no resits high school is over. I had been warned the feeling wouldn't land but I still feel shocked. I just can't realize what just happened. I suppose I oughta be glad but I'm not. I'm very tired. We'll see where sleep gets me

It's a hard knock life

No this isn't a sequel to depression post, I was being dramatic, I'm fine. I'm just here to vent about how repeatedly this year I've been caught off guard by people's image of me. It's unhealthy that I care but I can't help it. The judgement just gets to me. Between a close friend, an estranged friend, non friends and a friend's parent I repeatedly find myself grappling with these images of me that are out there and what I did to warrant them. It's very difficult to internalize that all I can control is me because to be honest I do kinda suck and I try so hard not to be a shitty person that when I'm confronted with the fact that people won't tell me if I fail I panic. I so want to be a fully functioning, non threatening member of society and this shit keeps getting in my way. It hurts man. It hurts

Actually scared I may be sinking back into depression

Rationally I can tell myself this too shall pass as I'm going through a weird and complicated time rn but honestly I'm feeling scared and vulnerable and disappointed in myself and even if I can hope rationally emotionally that's feeling kinda out of reach

Self Reflection

Going into finals season I wish I could have excitement for the future but I put in so little work that lacking energy to be scared I'm just disappointed in myself

May 6th, 2022

This is the first time I actually put a post up in here. It's decidedly not what I should be doing rn but I am struggling to put myself up for anything else so it's what you get. I have some fun in the struggle of building this page, even if the struggle is minimized by the fact that I built very little of it and it was all largely done by ChatGPT.